PERSPECTIVES: A dozen New Year’s resolutions

PERSPECTIVES: A dozen New Year’s resolutions

Was that the first of the year that went rushing toward the horizon with its tail on fire? I’d better make some New Year’s resolutions pronto ... hmm, let’s see ...

Resolution 1: I will stop being surprised at how ineffectual and disorganised — how just plain awful — customer service is for AT&T Wireless Services I would adopt the same policy for Verizon Communications’ customer service but I dumped them in December thinking that I would rid myself of a source of stress. It turned out that I was simply exchanging one source of stress for another.

Resolution 2: I will never buy another mobile phone made by LG ever again. How can anyone make a mobile phone that doesn’t organise its telephone directory alphabetically?

Resolution 3: I will always arrive at the airport no less than two hours before my flight, wear shoes that can be slipped on and off, remember not to carry my nail clippers in my roll-on bag and learn to relax and be resigned to being treated like a cross between diseased cattle, a criminal and an idiot.

Resolution 4: I will not expect that my flights will be on time or that in-flight food will be edible. I will expect to be sandwiched between a very fat person and a woman with a screaming baby, in front of someone who uses the back of my seat to get up just when I have dozed off and behind someone with serious hygiene issues.

Resolution 5: I will stop getting angry over spam (Yeah, right — ed.) and I will stop hunting down and trying to educate organisations (Ditto -— ed.) such as DeVry University that uses spam but should know better. And I will never have anything to do with Phoenix University, the Brooks Institute, Columbia House, X10, Omaha Steaks, The New York Times, Perfumania and Hooked on Phonics, which all spam shamelessly and with wild abandon.

Resolution 6: I will not write about The SCO Group and its ridiculous lawsuits again until something worth writing about happens. Maybe something like Darl McBride realising that such a thing as ethics exists.

Resolution 7: I will be nice to people who forward messages filled with stupid, mawkish sentiments that end with exhortations to “forward this to 10 friends or you will have bad luck for all eternity”. I will just delete the message and add the sender to my blacklist.

Resolution 8: I will get up from the computer every 15 minutes so my legs don’t atrophy. I will take a break at least every eight hours. I will get my vision checked once a year. I will sit up straight so my back doesn’t fossilize into a curve. I will stop playing solitaire. I will stop compulsive browsing.

Resolution 9: I will apply every security update that Microsoft generates even though I know it will occupy more time than I can afford. And I will stop moaning about having to reboot after every patch.

Resolution 10: I will stop being so critical about Microsoft’s lousy, bug-ridden code and wild unnecessary feature creep, the company’s insane drive to change application user interfaces for no good reason, and its bizarre and overcomplicated architectures that unnecessarily lock us into the bowels of network hell ... oh, darn.

Resolution 11: I will stop checking email compulsively. I will check it twice a day. Well, maybe four times. And before I go to bed. And ... oh darn again.

Resolution 12: This year, I will get a life. I will stop obsessing about computers and online stuff and start doing other interesting things that aren’t digital. Wait a minute ... there isn’t anything more interesting! Some parts of 2004 look like they might be a lot like 2003. Oh well.

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